You are not so good

You begin to realize you’re not as good a person as you wish were. You’re not sure whether this is because of who you are, who you’re comparing yourself to on a daily basis, who you’re aspiring to be, or what you’re keeping in your belly and is emerging, in fits and bursts, and shocking people. You think it’s the last of these. Because, after all, if you would raise things that worried you at the right time, they wouldn’t bubble up like boiling water. As it is, you end up burning people, and they resent you for it. They begin to think you’re not as good a person as they thought you were before. They think you are hiding malice in your throat and in your lungs.
You wonder if they’re right. Everyone hides evil inside them, but there is evil and there is malice and there is innocent selfishness. You know your evil, your malice, is not original. You know that it is a product of your fear and your embarrassment. But you know that others don’t know this. It bothers you that the innocent selfish are seen as better people, because they, after all, are innocent. Selfish, yes, but innocent. Selfishness is being appreciated in your current surroundings, more and more so. You don’t understand this. It puzzles you. You’ve never experienced people who admire it so much. It makes you wonder, and it is one of the poisons leaking into your veins.
Your skin is peppered with invisible needles, the syringes of these poisons, most of which are connected to your own head. Others, just a few, come from other people. But really, even they, are probably linked to your own head in a way you don’t quite understand. You wish you could get it. You wish you understood better how to pluck these needles out, simply cut them out of your flesh.

You sit and listen to people talk everywhere and you wonder what happens in their heads. You love listening to them so much. They distract you from everything else you should be doing. Their heads – you know – must be just as loud as yours, but you wonder how different or similar they are. You know that each of you, each and every one, must be wrapped up to some extent or other in their own private world, and that is fascinating. You want their stories. You want to know their stories.

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11 thoughts on “You are not so good

  1. lilbluegirl says:

    hey..reading this piece reminds me of having numerous conversations on this topic with a dear friend who was clinically depressed…and your writing also reflects something like that for some reason..please don’t get offended if i’m wrong..just an observation.. great post, btw..

  2. Erin M says:

    Augh, I am not as good a person as I wish I were, but on the other hand, I think I sometimes perversely enjoy being pessimistic (Why?! Do I imagine it’s “smarter”? Is it “cooler”? [goodness forbid I act cynical because it’s “cool!” O_o] Is it a better position for observing and analyzing things? Wouldn’t seeing the wonder in everything, all the time, be just as good, if not better?). *Sigh.*

    Also I have that bad habit of keeping things in until I explode. =[

    I like to think I’m fully aware of how selfish I am, but sometimes, no doubt, I’m blind to it. Hardly innocent, though. =p

    Sometimes I worry that people will want to cut me out of their life because I’m not always joyful. And then I end up clamming up about things even more. *Bigger sigh.*

    Anyway, enough of my griping(!); I hope things are going excellently with you and that you’re happy and well!
    xoxoxoxo

  3. kmbengue says:

    I think you managed to write out (very well, might I add) something that’s on everyone’s minds. I recently wrote something along these lines recently as well.

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