Earth to Close for Repairs

Earth will be closed for repairs on Monday, according to the Office of Planetary Access and Inter-galactic Travel (OPAIT) . A crew of four-hundred and twenty-two million will be conducting major infrastructural overhauls beginning on Monday (Earthweek-Standard) and continuing throughout the week. This news was announced rather suddenly, many claim, during a press conference regarding the new safety features of Jupiter’s forty-third experimental moon colony.

“We don’t really get it,” Sa’ifa 45/12 Eshkenazi remarked. “I mean, I’m waiting for a place in the next colony if forty-three works out and the O2-levels work out this time around, but now it sounds like they might be trying to screw us over and send us back to that [expletive removed] of a rock or something.” 45/12 Eshkenazi declined to say whether her suspicions were based on any wider rumors, but the murmurs of the crowd made clear that she was not the only one to feel discomfited by the back-to-back announcements.

A spokesperson for OPAIT stated that “there are no plans to re-route any of the colonizers away from their current destinations. That’s preposterous. Earth is still populated by many unfortunate souls and there has simply been an influx of donations towards a project that has long been in the works.” When asked where these donations have come from, the spokesperson declined to comment, and later OPAIT officials also required our editors to remove said person’s name from our article since “the comment was not officially approved by the Office’s Press Agency.”

Holopics will be screened regularly of Earth’s progress. Earthman Jacob 9763/0 Salastrius was cautiously enthusiastic to hear about Earth’s closure. “I’m glad that something’s finally going to get done to fix things up a bit,” his accentinterpreter translated. “But this has been promised before and nothing’s really happened so I guess I’ll believe it when I see it. Besides, not that we usually get to leave, but those who can will have to postpone their trips now for a while and that’s rough. Every day here is rough and we want to get out as soon as we can.”

More details will be updated as the work crews begin Monday.

 

 

 

PHOTO / NASA

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