humor

Cookies Are the Answer to All Woes!

Except the woe of gaining weight, of course. But they ARE the answer to anything and everything else.

I always wanted to know how to bake really well and be able to bake lots of different things. For now, though, I’m content with making the yummiest chocolate-chip cookies in the world. Yeah, you’ve got it right – the Nestle Tollhouse ones.

These mouth-salivating photos are really of the cookies I made today and are courtesy of the talented Sir. B. F. whose blog you can access by clicking the link on the right.

Winter Time

It’s always extremely strange to move from daylight-saving-time to “normal” or winter-time. It makes you consider how time really is a thing we control. Or rather, the perception of time is something we control. By changing the clocks back an hour, we change the time of dawn, of dusk. Strange to ponder such things.

Yet, this is NOT why I decided to dedicate a post to the changing of the clocks here in the Holy Land. As much as I enjoy BSing about philosophy and pretending to understand the physics, such as they are, of time, I do not believe I could convincingly write an entire post on such things. No, what I wanted to demonstrate here is how religion rules this damn country.

Yom Kipur is coming up, which is a day of fasting in the Jewish religion. A day to apologize for the sins of your past year and turn over to a new page. The religious Jews, who, despite being a minority, have way too much power make the government declare a change to winter-time about a month earlier than the rest of the world. Why? Apparently so they won’t have to fast as much. Tomorrow starts officially at sundown of today in Judaism, and for some reason winter time makes the time between sundown to sundown shorter.

People who don’t even open the fridge on Shabes, since the lord forbids electricity on the Day of Rest,  change the whole freaking clock to suit their needs. I can only say that I see this as RELIGION FAIL.

What do you write about when you have nothing to write about?

Well, you could write about the weather. Slightly cloudy, with a cool western breeze and a slight chill coming up as evening falls. Blah, blah.

You could write about your physical and mental state. Ouch, my head hurts. Oh dear, what a strange day. Bitch, bitch, moan, moan.

You could write about something random. Gosh, isn’t Avenue Q just an amazing musical? So funny, so daring, so damnably catchy! It’s really something that you can listen to over and over, and seeing it in the theater is even more incredible. Gush, gush, gush.

You could write about politics. GOD, Sarah Palin is stupid. I mean, she really thinks she’s able to be the vice president of a whole country? She thinks that women shouldn’t have a choice about abortions, and yet states that her daughter made the CHOICE to keep her baby! Rant, rant, rave, rave.

You can write about anything. Just as long as you still write.

Harcore Football Fan – In My Own Way

Since meeting Sir B. F. and becoming more interested in soccer – fine, fine, FOOTBALL – I’ve become even more aware of my gender’s stereotypes. Mostly because I’ve been them. I’ve opened up Sir B. F.’s eyes to a whole different aspect of the sports world.

For example, I remember what Newcastle wear because they look like prisoners and it amuses me. I recognize Tevez from his awesome hair and totally wicked badass scar. I enjoy giggling over the men jumping all over each other and gripping each other’s faces and asses. Giggs I remember because I feel sorry for him for being “ancient” in football years. Ronaldo I laugh at constantly, both out of delight for his amazing dancing footwork and for his choice of wardrobe while off the field.

If I have mortified anyone with my blatant girlish attitude towards serious matter such as these, all I can say is TEEHEE.

Happy New Year, Jews of the World!

It’s 9:47PM here in the Holy Land and the holiday is officially on! Marvelous holiday, this Rosh Hashana business. Better than Christmas even! Sure we don’t have big fur trees or snow, but we’ve got FISH HEADS. Nothing beats some fish heads and some strangely shaped fruit with lots of seeds.

So gather ’round the table, all you family folk, and sing the kindergarten songs that pass for carols and rejoice, for today is the first day of the new year and soon enough you’ll get to fast! Wonderful, marvelous, go, go, enjoy, have fun! Go hug all the family members that you hate and kiss their cheeks and tell them Shana Tova! Drink a bottle or two of wine, it’s OK, you can repent it in a few days!

New year’s resolution: Stop being so cynical about harmless holidays.

Ode to SNES

Love

Love

I plugged you in,
You seemed to work,
Until I discovered,
A little quirk.

Lines appeared
Upon the screen,
They made me sad
At what they did mean.

Earthbound, Batman,
Aladin and Racecar,
All worked slightly,
But not enough by far.

I shall not give up,
I refuse to, I do!
For I love you so much
That it’s almost not true.

So hang in there, SNES,
My consoling friend,
Don’t let this be
Your one final end.