Two Years

My father died exactly two years ago. I can’t express how much I miss him. Really, I can’t. He was just the most amazing human being, and the most amazing father. He treated my brother and me as human beings, not as children, never as children. He respected us, and found so much to love and be proud of in us, which in turn made us happy, because we respected and loved him so very much.

His presence was so strong, even if he was silent. He always had the radio on, sometimes to good music and sometimes to bad, annoying music or loud and obnoxious talk shows. He never listened when it was on – he was always reading the paper or writing when the radio was on. But he didn’t like the house being silent. I think the most touching moments I’d ever seen my parents in was when a song they both loved came on, and they would start dancing together, bopping around and kissing and embarrassing my brother and I. I realize now, of course, that that was wonderful, so beautiful, so miraculous for two people to have been married for so long and to still have been so much in love.

My largest and most horrifying fear is that I’ll forget my father one day. Forget how it felt to walk hand in hand with him when I was little, forget how it was to be mad at him, forget how it was when he sang me his lullaby, forget how it was to watch him doing exercises and then sitting down to watch the news, forget how he read my papers for school and helped me improve them, forget the smell of his cigarettes and coffee in the morning and the cake or cookie he ate as his breakfast. I haven’t forgotten yet, no, but what if I will one day?


6 thoughts on “Two Years

  1. misswillow says:

    Those memories are the ones that make us who we are, even though time made fade the clarity we never truly forget our loved ones and the effect they have on our lives.

    It sounds like you had an amazing loving father, i am so sorry you lost him.

  2. This post made me well up and get a lump in my throat. I’m so sorry you lost your father to soon. It’s so wonderful though that you have these terrific memories of him. He sounds like he was a hell of a guy. The dancing with your mom is truly touching.

    Your memory of you dad will stay in your memory as long as you let it. If you let him go without thinking of him, he will fade. Keep him alive by always thinking of him and talking about him. Heck, talk to him. He may not answer but I’ll bet he’ll hear you. That’s what I’ve done with my grandma and mother in law who I also lost way to soon.

    I talk to my grandma on a daily basis. I keep her alive and I tell my grandchildren how much she would have loved them and I tell them stories of her. My mother in law was something like I can’t even explain. Her death was really my first experience of death with someone I really loved with all my heart. She had a habit of forgetting to turn off the oven. Someone would see it on but she wouldn’t admit she forgot so she would always blame the person who saw it on and said they turned it back on. We would laugh and laugh. Now when I forget it or my son or husband, we say she was here having dinner with us. It’s just a little memory that we’ve kept alive since 1992.

    Only you can keep your memory of him alive. Great post.

  3. Joy… What can I say? Thank you. Really, truly, thank you. For your kind words, for sharing your memories with me, for being so sincere and from the heart.
    You’re right, of course. I do talk to my father in my head, and think about him a lot. I just usually don’t feel like I can talk TO people about him. It’s hard for me, and I don’t know why. I just feel like most people feel uncomfortable when I talk about the experience.
    But I won’t let myself forget him. I can’t let myself. I need to remember him because he was truly the best human being I’ve ever known.
    Again, thank you SO much for your kind words.

  4. Sarah says:

    This post made me cry so hard. Seriously. You probably think I’m so stupid,because I have nothing to do with it (I’ve never lost someone close to me in my entire life),but I could totally identify with you and your sadness when i was reading those words.
    I’m so sorry you lost him,it sounds like he was the nicest and greatest person in the world.
    I know I shouldn’t be meddling in your private life,but I think you should give people a try,and try talking to them about him. I’m sure it will be awkward at first,but then they’d feel comfortable enough to talk about anything you want and even ask you about him!

    It’s great you have such beautiful memories of him,not everybody’s lucky enough to have such a great father.
    I’m sure you’ll never forget him,because it’s impossible to forget such a great person,
    especially if he was so close to you.
    My father lost both of his parents when he was young,and i can assure you he still thinks about them day by day because he truly admire them. I can still see the longing and sadness in his eyes whenever he tells me about them(which is not very much),and he remembers everything!

    That’s why i told you to share your memories and feelings with your closest friends,because my father doesn’t like to talk about his parents and everybody keeps telling him it’s so wrong. I mean he keeps all the memories and sadness inside and that just makes him miserable.

    I hope I didn’t upset you and again,I’m very sorry for you.

  5. First of all Sarah, you didn’t upset me at all, your kind words only made my heart warm.
    Secondly, I know I should try to talk about him more, I know I should – and you’re right, I need to try harder and give people a chance.
    I’m so sorry your father had to go through something so hard like that as well…

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